My story is not important
It might, however, inspire and give hope
to those who feel the weight of the world
EIGHT YEARS AGO my daughter had just turned five, we had decided to move to the countryside. But as autumn descended with the most beautiful shades, our lives were to change drastically. I found myself on the 18th floor of the hospital looking at the world beyond. The doctor was speaking, but the words did not reach me. I watched from outside as if my mind refused to engage in the conversation. It was the first time I was told that I had cancer. I had triple negative breast cancer caused by a BRCA1 gene mutation.
As our lives were put on hold I went through several operations which resulted in chronic pain syndrome and nerve damage on large parts of my upper body and right arm. The chemotherapy that followed was severe and it was continually postponed as my body took so long to recover after each cycle. The veins in my left arm were so damaged I could barely bend it or move my fingers for pain. My spine and pelvis felt like they were literally breaking apart and I could hardly sit or stand. I had a bone marrow biopsy as the doctors were afraid that there was permanent damage which could result in paralysis of the lower body. Part of the chemotherapy caused irreparable nerve damage in both hands and I lost the feeling in my fingers - all fine motor skills were gone. I could no longer write or paint or make glass like I used to or do simple things like fasten up buttons. I would drop everything unless I focussed all my attention on the task.
Two years later the cancer had spread to the lymph system and up to my collar bone moving towards the brain and lungs. I was told I had to be operated on within a week but as it turned out I would have to wait three months for the only doctor that could perform the operation. By this time the aggressiveness of the cancer had caused it to spread much further. Following the operation the doctors had nothing to offer except a repeat of the chemotherapy that had not worked the first time around. Matter-of-factly they told me it would cause severe neuropathy of hands and feet and end with me paralysed in a wheelchair.
What do you do when the doctors give up? When they cannot save your life and no longer have any answers? When you realise that the life you thought was possible even in a diminished form is quickly slipping through your fingers? When you are told that you will die... not after having lived a lifetime but soon.... the clock starts ticking and fear sets in as you scour around trying to sort everything only to realise that there will never be enough time.
I would look at my daughter and know that she would have to go through life without me. That I would not be there for all those things that most take for granted. To this day she has few memories of the time before I got cancer. We have had all the conversations about death and dying. Usually in the dark at night when she would hug me so tight I could barely breathe. She would tell me that she had to come with me and that way we could be together 'forever and always'. I told her that I would be among the stars in the night sky, in the wind on a beautiful autumn day or in the flames of the fire. I told her that she is me and I am her and therefore I will always be there with her.
In all this pain I realised I had everything to win and nothing to lose. Armed with determination and the help from my family we found a tiny glimmer of hope and went to New York for treatment. I would spend my days going to two different hospitals for treatment and resting in bed while my husband and daughter explored the city. When I could I would walk two blocks to Central Park and I watched as the season changed from snow and ice to the blossoming of the cherry trees. It seemed that life was finally going to get better, that there was a light ahead. And there was but not in the way I imagined.
We went back home and within a year we had moved to the countryside. Surrounded by nature I started getting back on track despite living with severe pain. I finally believed that life was also meant for me, but things would twist and turn once more.
As Covid-19 took hold of the world they told me the cancer had spread to both lungs. I could not travel to New York for the treatment I needed and at home the doctors told me I had to be realistic. They could buy me some time by removing the biggest tumour and keep me comfortable for the time I had left.
Again they told me I could not survive and as I recovered with a collapsed lung in the ghostly interior of the hospital I could feel a dramatic change. The world seemed so beautiful outside the windows and I started asking myself 'what if it is nothing? What if I don't have cancer at all?!'
On the last day that was exactly what the doctor told me. There was no cancer and, even more baffling to the doctors, there was absolutely no trace of anything in my lungs when I had the following scan - it was completely gone.
There is no death
When you Know
There can be no fear
There is no death
When you Know
There can be no fear
- Pernille Hempsall
When I came home from the hospital that evening I walked around the field. The sky looked as if it was on fire and as the sun disappeared I felt an extreme intensity of life all around me. This was the start of an intense inner transformation that appeared to have laid dormant but had in effect already begun years earlier.
Suddenly I was catapulted into what is known as Sudden Awakening. It started with an intense longing for something that I could not define let alone understand. It was very familiar and I recognised it from my childhood. Back then it was a natural part of my world that at the time I knew others did not understand. As I got older what I was taught emphasised that my experience was wrong and in that sense it did not exist in the 'real' world.
The experience was extremely intense. I was swept up by an incredible force and no matter what I did I had no say in its progression. It was all and nothing at the same time - both frightening and exhilarating beyond what I was capable of understanding with my mind. Everything around me changed and so did I. I became extremely alert. My level of perception was incredible and the world was transformed into something intensely alive and interconnected. Everything became perfectly clear, not just around me but inside, as if I knew all there was to know. It was an all-pervasive Knowing that engulfed all there is, was and will be, with no beginning or end.
At first I was utterly lost, having no idea what was happening to me. No one around me could understand what I was talking about even if they wanted to. Even putting it into words was almost impossible, as if I could not speak properly. Words could not express something of such greatness and magnitude.
The experience also had an extreme physical expression. As the erosion of the self-concept progressed, it caused a release of tension throughout my body as all traces of the past were being erased. All the pain I had been through in my life surfaced and at times it was utterly unbearable. In particular, the bones in my feet caused so much pain that I thought they were broken.
I felt compelled to find others who understood, and found that suddenly I knew what to read and where to look. It was as if I knew the answers to my questions the instant they arose and then there was no need to know anymore. There were no answers because there were no questions. There were no boundaries between me and what surrounded me, between inside and outside. There just was everything that is, was and ever will be in this moment.
And then, there was no moment, there just is.
Awakening is a never-ending expansion, one that has a wave-like quality to it. I 'see' it differently but this image will suffice. The level of intensity changes throughout the day depending on what is required in the world that other people see. I still exist in the shared world of humanity and in that sense I deal with things as they arise or when I choose to. I move through 'space' and 'time' because I know how to manoeuvre in this world but it is always secondary to my being. There is only one purpose - to help others find the light within, so they too can see that the story they live is one they have chosen. You can choose differently and with that comes true peace within.
This is how we change the World
From one of Pain to one of Joy
HEALING & SOUND THERAPY
HEALING & SOUND THERAPY
I have always felt a strong connection to nature and animals. It is where I found peace and solace when life was hard. It is all around us and holds the key to finding the light.
My journey with healing and sound therapy started when one of my dogs was diagnosed with cancer and chronic kidney failure. She was a beautiful dog with a softness that touched my heart from the minute I held her. We had a deep connection, the kind that goes beyond all there is. I shared the same connection with one of my horses and the two of them always felt like one. Both were dark with soulful eyes and so gentle underneath the somewhat tough and wild exterior. They are an intricate part of my journey and for my questioning everything I know. They gave me the strength to follow the light when the world told me it did not exist.
I had battled with cancer for two years when the vet told us we had to say our goodbyes one week before Christmas - she was ten years old and I wanted to fight, to do everything for her to live because I did not know how to let her go. One day, I sat with her, rested my head on hers, felt the softness of her ear against my cheek and let my fingers trace over her front leg to her chest feeling her heart. And then it just happened - I felt something shifting inside her and with that it shifted in me and I could ‘let her go’. Suddenly I felt calm and I knew she would let me know when it was time.
A vet had told me that if I wanted to help her I should get some tuning forks. I had no idea how that could help or what to do with them. I bought them nonetheless and suddenly I knew I had to use them. I noticed how her energy increased, her skin improved and she seemed to be doing better than ever. Weeks turned into months and I took her for blood work. The results were no less than amazing - she had no sign of cancer or kidney failure. The vet could not understand how it was possible, but told me to keep doing whatever it was I was doing.
It took three and a half years for her let me know that she was ready and I held her in my arms and rested my face on her neck as her light left her body and surrounded us all. The floor was warm for almost two weeks in the spot where she had left and I would feel her as I sat there with my dogs knowing that she was with us. Her light never left and the light in her is the light in me.
As I realised the effects of the tuning forks I started using them on all my animals - my cat, my dogs and my horses. I started using them on myself, my family and my friends. There was no denying the effects they had on the mind and the body in creating balance and energy on so many levels. Over the years I have developed my own method of using healing energy and tuning forks to help those around me.
The light connects us all
and miracles are aplenty
Equinection - Helping people connect with their horses
Psychologist - University of Stirling - Scotland
M.Sc. Psychology & Health
Philosophy & Religious Studies
Copenhagen Business School - Denmark
BA French, English & Economics
Nature, animals, Tai Chi, Qigong, writing & painting